recently i’ve found myself looking for meaning. for rituals. for something to tether myself to the world. i’ve been all over the place recently – and i may say that every week but it feels even more so now, especially since my work partner, my senior copywriter a, is leaving.
on one hand, i’m happy because she’ll finally be happy. a has been burnt out since i joined – barely six months into my stay, i remember leaving the office and retreating into an alcove with her while she cried and cried about how unappreciated she felt. i’m so tired, she said. now that she’s finally leaving, i swear there’s a spring in her step that wasn’t there before. and while i’m happy for her, i’m afraid for me, too. i wasn’t ready for her to leave one and a half years ago. i still am not. or maybe i am.
i haven’t made time for tarot recently. i’m scared i may be bored of it – but i still find it so interesting! i think it’s just that i made it the most important part of my life for a month or two, then became embarrassed to talk about it, especially since i don’t bring it up – it’s my art director who does, since she introduced me to it!
but i need this centering tonight. and while i’m bored with the waite smith deck – i’ve been waiting for the steampunk tarot and the wild unknown! haha – i need to write about this.
i’ll be doing a spread by the ace of stars tarot. it’s called where do i go from here. it sounds right. i’ve lit a candle. breathe.
this is your starting point. king of cups.
at this point in my life i’ve thought and thought and thought about everything that’s been going on. because everyone is leaving. it’s not just a who’s hopping the fence for greener grass; my account manager m is leaving, too. on the eleventh, in fact. a few weeks ago, she talked about resigning to join another agency and being given a counter-offer, then another counter-offer, from ours, and since then, the intricacies of the office hierarchy and the future have been on my mind. too much, in fact. but now that a is leaving, it’s personal. now it affects me directly.
recently i’ve been trying to be rational without discounting my emotions. i’ve been saying that, yes, i’m happy for a, but i’m also trying to figure out what this means for me besides fear. there’s also this: i understand it’s rational is to want someone senior to take over, but at the same time i’m scared that if someone senior takes over, i’ll never be promoted. so yeah, my mind’s been office-focused.
the first step to take on this journey. eight of swords.
i need to acknowledge many things, one of which being that i’ve been backed into a corner. i’m scared. i feel like a victim. no matter how often i say i’m happy for a — and i say it often — god knows i’m terrified about what her leaving means for me.
but i also have to acknowledge that i can handle myself. i always, always interpret this card as a damsel in distress on her way to loosening the ropes, removing her blindfold, and leaving the ring of swords. i never stop my interpretation at the helplessness. i cannot forget that interpretation today.
what you already know about this journey. nine of pentacles.
this is not about money. i always mention salary when i talk about why i want to leave, about being paid thousands less than art directors who had the same level of training as i did. “i’ll never be promoted,” slips from my tongue more than i’d like it to, at the most inopportune moments. they’ve seen my hand. they know what i want. they know what’s at stake for me — probably more than i do.
now, i want a promotion. i won’t deny it. i want it more than i wish i did. but with this card, i realize that it isn’t for the extra thousands of pesos; it’s for the feeling of self-worth i think it’ll give me. one of my life’s most persistent cycles is being loyal for years and never being rewarded for it in almost every aspect of my existence — and now i want to know everything i’ve done has been worth it. i want to know that i’m not just here because i’m useful — i’m here because i’m valued.
i’ve just spoken to lucy for the first time in weeks, and she’s reminded me that i shouldn’t let other people dictate how much i feel i’m worth — and putting extra pressure on myself isn’t going to make the situation any better, especially when it’s all largely out of my control. i need to remember that. it takes outsiders’ eyes to tell you what you should’ve known all along, i guess.
what this journey will require you to let go of. eight of pentacles.
this card shows a man absorbed in his work, hammering out pentacles to hang on the wall. he’s finished all but two, and he’s soldiering on. and hey, work isn’t bad. but what i need to let go of is working alone. working solo.
i tell myself that it’s easier to work alone, and on one level it is because god knows i can’t concentrate when people are talking to me or playing loud music. but i need help if i’m going to get through this. i need to accept help. even seek it out. i’m stronger with others.
what you will learn about yourself on this journey. king of wands.
you’re more creative than you think.
now that i know i’ll be on my own to a certain extent, i need to push myself harder than ever before. and i’m going to have a shit time, i know it. but that’s going to reveal how creative i can be. i’ll need to get in touch with the fire within me.
where will you find yourself when this phase of the journey is complete. two of swords.
another crossroads. the two of swords says it’s something i’ve been trying not to see, i’ve been hoping i wouldn’t have to acknowledge, and it’s this: leaving or staying.
i’ve always seen leaving as my only choice because i don’t want to stay. i’m too afraid to stay when i doubt myself every moment. but i may have to seriously consider it when i emerge from this tunnel. at least consider it. think of who else i could be.
i’m glad i had this time to myself. to do tarot. to think. to write. i need this more often.